How to recognize a zombie ?

 

1- Soon you will come across a man with a mouth and beard, covered in red ? If he's not leaving an Italian restaurant, where he had just savoured a plate of tomato sauced spaghetti, without doubt it will be a zombie which had just devoured a victim. But do not believe that he's no longer hungry, zombies eat to no end. Advice : change immediately the pavement and walk faster.

2- Suddenly, a groaning stranger advances towards you with his arms outstretched, without even holding a bunch of flowers ? There is little chance that he's suffering from lack of affection and wanting a cuddle. Advice : run away ! It's surely a zombie.

3- A man or a women is looking at you very intensely, with blood shot eyes, whitish iris and retracted pupils ? Beware ! It's certainly nothing to do with an eye infection. Advice : keeping your distance, hold up a number of fingers and ask him or her to count. If there's no understandable reply, it's a zombie.

4- A haggard man with symptoms of motor disorder ? Who walks around like a puppet, crossed feet, arms hanging, opened mouthed and drooling ? Advice : it could be a disabled person, but in doubt, better to keep your distance.

5- A group of people, dressed in rags, walking around together quite lazily, as if doing a contemporary dance ? No sign of a camera crew in sight, it's surely not a remake of Michael Jacksons video clip Thriller. Advice : silently leave the spot.

6- A few strangers standing immobile like statues, gazing as into emptiness ? It's without doubt not a flash mob but a group of zombies in sleep mode, awaiting a stimulus ! Advice : be careful not to be this stimulus.

7- Somebody you see with an axe stuck deeply into his back, showing no sign of pain, dragging his guts behind himself, riddled with bullet holes or a freshly amputated arm, who advances without complaining ? Advice : there's no doubt at all, it's a zombie.

8- Your neighbour has excessively wrinkled skin, necrosed and with a greenish tint, appearing to have developed a serious skin disease which makes him or her look 150 years old instead of 30 ? As well as having a stinking smell, followed by a colony of blue flies and with worms coming out of the nose and ears ? Advice : it's a zombie, don't invite it for an aperitif, you will end up being the appetizer.

 

What to do when you have forgotten your ZomBe protection wear ?

 

1- Zombies have the sense of hearing normally developed, except those who no longer have ears. Be quiet. Avoid walking with a key chain hooked to the belt or in your hand bag. Also avoid foods that may cause noisy or smelly flatulence.

2- In anticipation where confrontation seems inevitable, chose white weapons rather than noisy firearms that might attract other zombies. And among the white weapons, prefer blunt objects to sharp objects with which you may cause injury to yourself. It would be stupid to die from a simple infection.

3- Wear comfortable shoes which are practical for running, jumping and climbing. If high heeled shoes could be useful as a weapon, they are inconvenient for fast moving etc...and include the risk of spraining the ankle.

4- Always keep a breath freshener mouth spray at hand, ready to spray the mouths of zombies which approach too close to you, living dead have very bad breath indeed.

5- Find a safe haven, preferably outside of urban areas with high population (tip: a former vegetarian community is ideal, the zombies retain certain eating habits).

6- Do not look to discuss with a zombie. Do not attempt to reason with it, do not try to make him aware of the paradoxical nature of its non-being or the questioning on its potential projects of non-life. No need trying to convince him that a diet too rich in proteins may be detrimental to his health, nor to ask him whether he is experiencing remorse to the idea of having eaten your sister, your brother-in-law and their Labrador.

7- Do not trust the first come, all survivors are not necessarily well intentioned. Count only on yourself. Do not wait for the assistance of the forces of order or the emergency services, they are surely too busy saving their own skin.

Bonne chance.